And Gumdrop makes three...

IB and I lost another little one at 10 weeks.  We had hoped that the third time would be the charm...but maybe four will be forever.

I'm not religious at all, but this poem really spoke to me.  I love the sentiment, so I thought I would share.

What Makes a Mother? - Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?

Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.

I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say:

’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.

I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.

So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mum!

A TTCAL analogy

A lot of people don't understand what it's like to try to conceive again after losing a baby.  Those lucky people who get pregnant so easily and get take-home babies after 9 months can never really know what it feels like to a woman who tried so hard to get pregnant, lost that little bean that she worked so hard for, and is struggling again to get her rainbow baby.  These lucky women can empathize, yes, but can never really know the pain of TTCAL.  A friend of mine shared this analogy with me, and it brought tears to my eyes.

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Let's say human beings didn't walk until the age of 20. Let's say everyone was in a wheelchair till the age of 20, at which point their musculoskeletal system become mature, and everyone's 20th birthday was the magical, overnight turning point.

You're so excited for your 20th birthday. You can't believe it's almost here! A couple of your friends are already 20, and you've seen them walking around. It looks like fun. It's the next progression. You turn 20. You stand up and take a step. Then another. Then another. Then you fall down, and the doctor tells you you're not ready yet, it's back to the wheelchair for you. But your best friend turned 20 the same day. And she can walk wherever she wants, whenever she wants. It's ok, you'll wait. A month later, you try again. This time, you're walking for a week! It's glorious! It's marvelous! But then you fall down and can't get back up, and it's back to the wheelchair for you. Meanwhile, your friends who turned 20 last year, they're not just walking. They're running. They're playing sports. They're jumping and swimming. And there you sit in your wheelchair, watching them. The doctors don't know if you'll ever get out of your wheelchair, the way that ALL humans are supposed to at age 20. They don't know why. They have no clue why when every time your 20-year-old self stands up, she falls and can't get back up. No one can offer you an explanation, nor a reason why it might happen for you in the future. You don't know if you want to try to walk again. What if you fall and break your nose again? What if you can't even stand up next time you try? What if, after weeks of walking, you forget how and no one can teach it to you?

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It's not a perfect analogy, but it's the best one I've seen. It's something so primitive--you don't even know how hard it is to fail until you fail.  It's something so taken for granted that it never occurs to you how that other girl feels.  And it's something so integral but effortless to your own world, that you really can't understand the other side of the coin.

Big, squishy {{hugs}} to all the friends I've met on my TTCAL journey.  You are all amazing!

Names on the Sidewalk

Thanks to Tiffany at Names on the Sidewalk for making this for my lost little ones.  She's doing an awesome thing!

Public Service Announcement

I can't stand the words "preggo" or "preggers".  They make me insanely stabby.  When I get pregnant, should anyone refer to me as either one of those things, I will lose my shit.

The first, because I'm not a fucking pasta sauce.

And the second because I'm like totally not like 14 and like totally preggers by my super hot boyfriend who I'm going to be with 4-eva.  Lol.

Go ahead.  Try me.

Remembering

One of the ladies on the chat board I am involved with on the Bump has an Etsy shop.  She very generously offered to make stamped washers for anyone who wanted them to remember our lost babies during the holidays.  She ended up making these - free of charge - for 36 of us.  You are awesome, noah_bear!

I adore them.  I need to figure out what to do with them after Christmas is over - I definitely can't bear to just put them away.

Merry Christmas Shamrock and Junebug - we miss you!  <3

I'm taking this shit public! (an introduction...again)

As of now, my blog is no longer restricted to only those I've invited.  So...hello, world!  How the hell are ya?  :)

I had it restricted at first because I was pregnant and hadn't told anyone.  Then we lost the Shamrock and I kept it to only those I invited just because the whole world didn't know I was pregnant in the first place.  And because there are some people that have no idea what has been going on with IB and me for the last few months and I wasn't sure if they'd be able to find me and would find out about the Shamrock by reading this blog.  But, you know what?  I don't really care anymore.  These same people are on FB and if they thought about my posts over the last few months for 2.2 seconds, they'd figure it out.  So fuck 'em.

I've never really been one to keep things to myself - I'll tell you what I think anytime you want to know.  I'm far...really, really fucking far...from being shy.  And, I've been bitching since we lost the Shamrock that it's a goddamn shame that miscarriage and pregnancy loss are taboo subjects that no one ever wants to talk about.  And I truly believe that, so it makes no sense for me to hide what IB and I have been through.  I'm still not going to go around telling everyone I know what happened to me, but I have told everyone that has asked me what's been going on, and will continue to do that.

Many of my original readers already knew this, but I got pregnant again our first cycle back to trying after my DE&C.  It was a really weird series of events that made me believe I was never really pregnant, which I will spare you the details of, but basically I was blind-sided 2 weeks ago from a call from my doctor saying I needed to go to the emergency room because I had an ectopic pregnancy.  I was told I would either have to get a shot of methotrexate to end it, or have another DE&C.  Because I'm still not over the first surgery (mentally and emotionally one of the hardest things I've ever been through) I opted for the shots of metho. 

The good news: the shots are working.  They will monitor my levels back down to 0 - which hopefully will be tomorrow! - to make sure there isn't any residual tissue.  The bad news: we have to wait 2 full cycles before we can try again.  Unlike after my DE&C where we only had to wait 1 cycle, I guess the drugs could have an adverse effect if I get pregnant again too soon so we have to wait.  And trust me, the waiting is the worst part.  We're on month 16 and counting of TTC #1.  We could have had a baby and been pregnant again in the same amount of time.

I am trying to stay positive though.  I have been saying for the last few months that 2010 has sucked the big one and I can't wait until 2011. Turns out, the next time I could test to see if I am pregnant (again!) will be in January.  So come on universe, work with me here! 

On another positive note, this means we can go on our upcoming vaca (more on this in a future post) without worrying about when we have to have sex, how much either of us are drinking, etc.  That's something too I guess.

So, again, hello world.  My name is Alyssa, I am a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy survivor, and other than our fertility issues, I fucking love my life. There's no day but today!

My Ugly Shoes - author unkown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~*~*~ BFP #2 10/22/10 - confirmed ectopic and methotrexate 11/5/10 - EDD 6/30/11
~*~*~ BFP #1 7/7/10 - saw the heartbeat 8/6/10 - missed miscarriage and D&C 8/19/10 - EDD 3/19/11

I'm annoying even myself

I feel like all I ever do is bitch and complain any more.  It's getting old, even for me, so I can only imagine how my friends and family feel.  I hate feeling sad all the time, but it just seems like every week something else happens or should be happening that sends me into a tailspin all over again.  It's not like I never have fun - I do - but there's always a part of me that's just unhappy all the time.  What is it this week?  Thanks for asking...

• Friend's brother-in-law passed away just a week after stopping his treatments for lung cancer.  He was 33.
• IB's family drama has been going on for 7 months now, and it's really starting to take a toll on him.  And it's fucking pissing me off.
• Yesterday marked 11 years since my grandfather passed away.  Every time I think about the absolutely stupid goddamn reason for his death, it makes me want to stab someone.  I'm still really angry - and I still miss him every day.
• This week I should be having my "big ultrasound".  In other words, this is the week I should be finding out if the Shamrock was a boy or a girl.  I hate that we have nothing to look forward to, except going back to the drawing board trying to conceive.  It's been 15 months since we first started this process, and I'm just mad and sad that we have nothing to show for it.

I hate this week.  I hate this year.  I hate that I'm one of those people that always has something to complain about these days.  I'm trying to turn things around - I really am - but it's so goddamn frustrating. 

Ugh - see?  Even I don't want to read this crap.  I promise, my next post won't be so bleak - even if I have noting to write about other than my favorite ice cream flavors.  :/

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

I learned this week that October is Pregnany and Infant Loss Awareness month and October 15 is the national day to recognize all of those who have lost their babies at any stage of pregnancy or infancy.  I found this out through a support group that I joined on The Bump - a wonderful group of ladies who have gone through one or multiple losses and are trying again.  Many of them started posting about this awareness day/month on FB this week, and today I was brave enough to post myself...

"This week we remember all babies we have carried but never met, those born sleeping, or those we have held but could not take home. Miscarriage/infant loss is still a taboo subject...BREAK THE SILENCE...make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a precious baby. Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day is October 15."

Tomorrow I plan to post this...

"A family is a circle of love, not broken by loss, but made stronger by the memories."  Thinking of all of the families that hold babies in their hearts instead of their arms...October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. ♥

Neither of these talks specifically about my loss, and could certainly be interpreted as me just supporting the cause - much like I did with National Coming Out Day on Monday - but I'm proud of myself for putting it out there even a little bit.  If anyone asks me directly, I would certainly not lie about it, but it's also not something that I choose to shout from the rooftops.

It's a real shame that this is a taboo subject.  People are free to talk about and mourn and ask for support for any other death in the family...friends and family send cards, send food, call to check in.  But somehow, because many times this is a baby that you never "met", or one that only survived for a few short minutes or hours, this loss is not considered as important as a grandparent, parent, sibling, etc.  I suppose only those people that have gone through it themselves can really know what it feels like - I certainly never got it, or even thought much about it, until it happened to me.  Many people try to brush a miscarriage off by saying that you can always try again.  Let me tell you this, IB and I loved our Shamrock.  We had plans and hopes and dreams for this baby.  All future pregnancies and resulting children will never replace the one we lost.

So, for everyone who has ever, or will ever, experience a loss like this, I'm proud to have voiced my support in a semi-public way.  And to those of you who reposted this on your own FB pages, thank you. 

We will always love you Shamrock, and we will never forget.

Life - what the fuck?

Life is so fucking strange.  On Tuesday, I got my period for the first time since my DE&C - and I was so happy I danced a jig in the bathroom.  Six weeks ago, blood in the bathroom was horrible, and 4 weeks from now, it will be bad again.  It's a neverending cycle.

I mean, if I really think about it, pregnancy is something I've been thinking about since the first time I had sex.  First, trying everything to prevent it, then trying everything to make it happen.  Doesn't it seem that this should be easier?  People say it's the most natural thing in the world - I don't fucking think so!  Just consider this timeline of my life regarding pregnancy...

15 years ago - it would have been an immaculate conception
10 years ago - my parents would have ripped me a new asshole since I was still in college
5 years ago - not what IB and I would have wanted, but we would have managed and I'm sure been very happy
1 year ago - I still thought I would get pregnant anytime now...after all, we'd been officially trying for 3 months
6 months ago - I was starting to think it would never happen
1 month ago - we lost the baby we had tried so hard for
now - my period is the best fucking thing ever since it means we can start trying again soon
2 months from now - my period would be the worst thing ever since it would mean I'm not pregnant again yet

Doesn't this just seem like a cruel and vicious cycle?  Nobody ever talks about this shit.  Most people who have never wanted to get pregnant before think you just make the decision to get pregnant and BAM - 9 months later you have a happy, healthy baby.  There are so.many.things. that can go wrong.  Maybe this is what sex ed classes should focus on.  Maybe all of the mental anguish some women go through would be enough to keep the teenage whores from sleeping around.

Then again, maybe not.  After all, it's rarely the whores that get KTFU right?   

Life - it's so fucked up!

A slap in the face

Very few people know we were pregnant and had a miscarriage - only our immediate family and very close friends. One of the couples that we're close to and knows what happened to us are expecting their first baby in December. They sent me flowers when they found out we lost the baby, and checked in on me once the day after I had my DE&C, but since then, we haven't heard from them at all. That's ok - a lot of people just don't know what to say and I get that.

Yesterday, however, I was the first one home from work so I was the one to grab the mail. I have been receiving a lot of cards and things from friends and family lately, just letting me know that they're thinking about me, so I opened a blue envelope addressed to me thinking that's what it was.

Nope. What was it? The invitation to the aforementioned friends' baby shower. It was like a slap in the face and it made me burst into tears. Don't get me wrong...I'm so happy for them. And I'm sure this wasn't sent maliciously. But, in my opinion, it was incredibly thoughtless and insensitive. Yesterday was exactly 2 weeks since I had my DE&C - I really was not fucking ready to get something like that in the mail. Not to mention that the shower isn't until October 16, so it's not like I needed to get it so damn soon.

I mean, all it would have taken was a phone call to my DH to let him know they were sending it to give me a heads-up and see if perhaps they should just hold it until we see them next.

I certainly don't expect people to tip-toe around me, but honestly. That was just too goddamn much.  

It wasn't meant to be...

...not that it makes it any easier.  The Shamrock didn't make it.  IB and I are devastated - especially since we'd been trying to nearly a year - but we're getting through it.  After confirming last Wednesday by another ultrasound what I had already been feeling for more than a week, I had to have a D&EC on Thursday.  Not really going to talk much about it, but I hope that I never have to do it again and neither does anyone else I know.  We hoped and willed this pregnancy to be "safe" after we saw that amazing little heartbeat, but unfortunately for us we're one of the about 5% that see a heartbeat and lose the baby anyway.  So far, 2010 has completely sucked but we're hoping it starts to turn around in the 4th quarter so we head into 2011 happy, healthy, and hopefully pregnant again.

Going back to work today was harder than I thought it would be - it made it more real somehow.  To have to get up and go through my regular routine like nothing happened.  Fuck.  I'm sad, and I'm pissed the fuck off.  None of this makes any sense, but I guess that's life.

But...trying to look at the bright side...at least I know I CAN get pregnant.  That's something anyway - 3 months ago I was convinced that there was something wrong with me or IB or me AND IB that would prevent us from ever having a baby of our own.  And that would suck because our babies will be fucking adorable.  Many, many women go through this.  Many more than anyone knows about.  Most of the time it only happens once.  I certainly hope this was my once.  I don't want to do this again.

Papa and GG and Mimi...oh my!

On Friday night after work IB and I went to my dad's house to tell him about the baby.  It was another great moment in photos - see their reactions below!  Just like everyone else, they were slow to catch on.  Apparently no one thought we would actually ever have any babies so the "say Alyssa's pregnant!" photo opps didn't work out quite like we planned.  But they're still pretty freaking great!  Now my entire immediate family knows - which is pretty awesome.  Dad and his wife will be called Papa (which is what he called his grandfather) and GG (we all call her G so this stands for Grandma G).  My mom has landed on Mimi (I think) which I think suits her well.  Yay!

We also told some very close friends on Saturday night...more out of necessity as we were at a local beer joint and me not drinking would have thrown up 117,000 big red fucking flags...but that was fun too.  Now we're done until September. 

This baby is defintiely going to be spoiled.  Actually, it already is spoiled.  Shamrock received his/her first gift 2 Christmases ago from J and N - a very, very cute Penguins bib.  Think they were trying to give us a hint?  :)  They also just gave Shamrock some super-cute leggings.  Stick spoiled baby, stick!!!

A Shamrock that looks like a seahorse

So I was feeling pretty great after my first u/s since everything looked good and I hadn't had any spotting in about 6 days.  Lo and behold, the goddamn blood came back again while I was at the beach.  Ugh.  It's been so frustrating to not know why this is happening.  So goddamn scary.

I stopped spotting again on Sunday, had a tiny bit of pink one time yesterday, and went back for u/s number two this morning.  As soon as she inserted the scope (we did a transvaginal both times since it's so early in the pregnancy), there it was.  The heartbeat.  The strong, beautiful, downright fucking amazing-to-see heartbeat.  I know it doesn't mean that this baby will stick for sure.  I know there are still risks.  I know nothing is ever certain.  But I swear...I have never seen anything more gorgeous in my entire life.

The u/s tech printed out two pictures of our little Shamrock, which right now looks a little like a seahorse.  Must have been all that time on the water last week!  I've been afraid to be too excited...but not anymore. I figure that I should enjoy this ride as long as it lasts, which, I hope to holy hell, is at least 30 more weeks.

 

Tomorrow night we're going out with our dear, dear friends that are moving to Houston next weekend (fucking Texas), and IB and I planned on telling them from the get-go.  We definitely want to tell them in person as they are like family to us.  We didn't really plan on telling any of our other friends, but S and S decided they want to go to a local restaurant that involves beer.  Lots and lots and lots of delicious, craft, specialty, and locally brewed beer.  Cue in the same issues I was having regarding beach week with the family.  I know my friends are all on to me.  We were all at a wedding 3 weeks ago where I was the DD...I am NEVER the DD.  IB always, always, always drives.  So...it looks like we're going to tell the whole gang tomorrow.  I figure these are the people I would tell anyway if something went wrong - this is my closest group of friends - so we might as well go ahead and share the good news.  But then, I swear to fucking god and everything that is holy, we're not going to tell another soul until September.

 

Except for when I tell my boss on Monday.

 

Goddamn it...

To tell or not to tell...

So we got back on Sunday from our annual beach vaca with my mom's side of the fam.  I have always said that if/when I get KTFU, I didn't want to tell anyone until I hit my second trimester.  There are just too damn many things that can go wrong - especially with your first pregnancy - that I didn't want to bring anyone else into it until I felt really, really good about it.  However, knowing me, and knowing my fam, and knowing that all we do for 8 days at the beach is drink like fucking fish, IB and I made the decision to go ahead and tell them once we arrived.  No way - no FUCKING way - would I have been able to pretend to drink for 8 days.  Not with my sister there, especially.

We were staying with my uncle B and his wife M so we told them pretty much as soon as we got there - fun!  We enlisted them to help with telling my mom, sis, mom's bf, and bro-in-law at dinner that night.  M brought her camera and took a picture of the 6 of us asking them to say "Alyssa's pregnant!".  After several laughs and a few seconds of silence because they thought she was joking, my mom looked at me and asked if I was...when I nodded she started hugging me and my sis responded with a fist-pumping "YES!".  It was a great moment and one I am so happy to have captured on film (and video thanks to uncle B!).

On Monday, we went over to my bro and sis-in-laws house under the pretense of taking pics with our new woozies (like beer coozies but for wine glasses).  Steve did the same thing, and again, J and N thought it was a joke.  When it sunk in though, N's face might be the greatest thing I've ever seen!

Tonight we're going to tell my dad and G.  I cannot wait.  I think it's going to be a tie between whether my mom or dad is more excited.  My mom has been the one most vocal about wanting grandkids, but I know my dad has been silently waiting and hoping.  My cousin had a baby about 16 months ago and my dad is in LOVE with him.  I absolutely cannot wait to give him a grandchild of his own!  I have always been (and still am at 31!) a total daddy's girl, so I kind of hope that my Shamrock turns out to be a girl as well.  I can't even imagine how insanely much she would wrap her grandpap around her little finger!

Beach, baby, and other fun stuff

So...had my first u/s yesterday and things are looking good!  Like I already said, I was having spotting off and on for about 2 weeks, and after my first pelvic exam on Monday (ouch!) I had some heavier bleeding and felt like I got punched in the stomach for 2 days afterward.  Since then though it's been great!  No spotting (knock on everything!) and barely any twinges or pain.  The u/s tech said that my gestational sac is nice and high in my uterus, which is a good sign, and we could see the beginnings of the yolk sac.  Halle-fucking-lujah!  I am so relieved to know that things are progressing as they should be at the moment.  My doc will likely send me back in 10-14 days to just make sure the Shamrock is growing as it should be.  I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed and am willing it to stick!

On a similar note, we leave for the annual family beach vaca tonight and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to tell my fam that we're expecting.  I really, really didn't want to tell anyone until the 2nd trimester, but I don't think there's any way to keep it from them when I don't drink anything for the next 8 days.  This beach trip consists of drinking, laying on the beach, drinking, going on my uncle's boat, game nights, and drinking.  When I'm not drinking my fucking face off like everyone else, they're going to guess anyway.  If it was a 3-day stint I could say I'm on meds or something...but no buttfucking way are they buying that excuse for 8 days.  More on this when we get back!

And...just to follow up on previous posts...we got a new washing machine.  It was under $400 so that's not too bad I guess.  At least I don't have to wear dirty clothes.  Also, IB upgraded his Focus to an Escape.  It's really nice - and it's easy to drive.  That's what we're taking to the beach, so we'll see how it does on our first road trip.

Writing that just made me realize this is also our first road trip/vaca as parents (to-be).  Holy fucking shitballs.

On a sappy note, IB has been so fucking FANTASTIC since we found out about the baby.  When I gave him his t-shirt, it took a minute for it to sink in, then he grinned the biggest grin ever, jumped up to hug me, and got all teary-eyed.  It was such a great moment.  Since then, he's been super-supportive and amazing.  He's picked up so much more stuff around the house, won't let me carry anything heavier than my purse, and is just taking amazing care of me and the Shamrock.  I am one lucky lady.  <3

Still in shock - in a good way!

Since beginning to spot last Friday, I have convinced myself that I had or am having a m/c.  It's not every day, or anywhere near a constant thing, but I have been having mild back pain and spotting ranging from dark brown to reddish-brown with small bloodclots for nearly a week.  My doctor sent me to get blood drawn to test my Beta levels on Monday and Wednesday.  Your Betas are supposed to double every 48 hours, so when I got a 102 from Monday and a 208 from Wednesday, I almost couldn't believe it!  I have seriously spent the last 6 days preparing myself for the worst.  I could not be any fucking happier that my numbers look good.  Seriously.  I have my first appointment with my OB on Monday and I can't effing wait!

I still haven't told IB about any of this.  I just couldn't bear to tell him I was knocked up but that I was pretty sure I was losing the little shamrock.  I wanted to wait until I could confirm one way or the other - and now I can!  With GOOD news!  I'm giving him his t-shirt as soon as he gets home from work today.  It's weird because I'm kind of nervous!  We've been together for almost 13 years, and were friends for 3 years before we started dating, so we're more comfortable around each other than 2 people probably should be.  I can say or do pretty much anything in front of him and vice versa...so having butterfiles in my stomach to give him this news is pretty cool.  I can't wait to be a March mama!  <3

On pins and needles

Today I woke up at 4:30 a.m. to pee, and when I wiped there was a small blood clot.  All day today I've had cramping off and on, and a little spotting when wiping.  What.the.fuck?  I know it's something like 20% of all first-time pregnancies end in miscarriage, but I was am willing myself not to be one of those statisctics.  I have been a tortured soul for the past year watching friend after friend and acquaintance after acquaintance get KTFU with no BFP of my own.  It's finally my time, goddamn it.  It's MY mother-fucking turn.  You stay in there, baby.  This is your mama speaking and what I say goes.  Or else.

Keeping secrets is kind of my thing

I'm still the only person IRL who knows I'm knocked up.  My doctor's office knows, some folks on the chat boards on thebump.com know, but I'm still keeping it to myself for now.  I mentioned yesterday that I've been planning on how to tell Italian Boy (IB) for months.  To be exact, it's been about a year.  When looking for a t-shirt for a friend who was about to go through chemo (which he ended up not having to do, thank god) I decided it would be fun to buy a t-shirt that I would wrap up and present to IB when I got a BFP so I could take pictures of his reaction to finding out he's going to be a dad.  The t-shirt has a cartoon-y image of a sperm on it and it says "My Boys Can Swim!".  If you know IB at all, you'll know that he will find this hilarious.

So I have decided that I'm going to break the news to him when he gets home from work on Saturday.  Yesterday didn't seem appropriate since he had to jizz in a cup in the morning, tonight we're going to a DCI show, and tomorrow we have to go out and buy a new fucking washing machine (more on that at another time).  I'm pretty excited about it.  I kind of hope he cries (tears of joy).  Also, I can't wait to get that goddamn t-shirt from out of it's hiding spot in my underwear drawer.  I'll share pictures of his reaction when it happens.

On another note, I don't really FEEL pregnant.  Shouldn't I feel differently?  The only difference I'm noticing at this point is that my tits are a little sore (but they usually are with Aunt Flo anyway, so no biggie) and I'm hungry more often than usual.  I am now snacking once in between each meal - going with good stuff though like nuts or fruit.  I'm no skinny-minny, so I don't want to gain too much weight.  One of my friends actually LOST 12 pounds throughout her pregnancy - I'm hoping I go that route.  That would be fucking fantastic.  Also, I know from conversations with my mom that she never had morning sickness or anything like that and loved being pregnant.  That would be fucking fantastic as well.  Here's hoping!

First post - am I really gonna do this?

So here it is.  My very first post.  For now I'm keeping this thing pretty much to myself since a.) I'm not yet convinced that I will be able to keep up with it and b.) I'm pregnant.  Yep - pregnant.  After 10 months of trying...and trying...and still more trying, I'm finally KTFU.  So far, even the hubs doesn't know.  I just got my BFP this morning - ironically, right before I left the house and my baby-daddy had to whack off into a cup.  I know, I know - TMI most likely.  But we'd gotten to the point with this trying to conceive thing where my OBGYN had us going to preliminary fertility testing before putting me on clomid.  Which for him meant jizzing in a cup and driving it over to good old Magee for a sperm analysis.  For me it was going to mean having dye shot into my vag to see if my tubes and whatnot were all open and clear.


Sidenote: you can probably already tell this is not going to be a blog for the kiddies.  I swear like a trucker and take the lord's (if you believe in that kind of thing) name in vain and I love it.  I'm not gonna stop.  So fuck off, goddamn it.


Anywho, I am a really regular kind of gal when it comes to my monthly "friend" (what satan-worshipping whore ever thought to call it that anyway?!?), plus I've been charting, and I was due today.  So when I still had an elevated BBT this morning, and no blood between the legs, I decided I should just check.  I had one test remaining and stared in amazement when a line...a very, very, very faint line...appeared next to the line that usually just tells me that the test works but you ain't got no baby in the belly.  Again.  But this time...could it be?  They say no matter how faint the line is, if it's there, you're knocked up.  I'm so excited I can't even stand it.  Seriously.


So then came my internal struggle.  Do I tell Italian Boy (This is what I just decided I shall refer to the love of my life as on this blog.  He is Italian - not the off-the-boat-from-Italy kind - the American kind.  Yet he still develops some sort of crazy Italian/mafia accent when he gets excited/angry/generally worked up into a tizzy.  He hates when I call him this and insists he has no accent.  He's in denial, but I love him.) so he was saved from the humiliation of making his special deposit and then driving his man's milk to the lab, or did I let him just go ahead with it?  Because the line was so faint, and because I have kind of been planning on how I want to tell him we're going to be parents for months, I decided to just go ahead and let him do it, just in case.  He's probably going to hate me for that.  Oh well.


On my way to work I made a pit-stop at the local CVS and picked up a fancy package of 2 digital tests (motherfucker those suckers are expensive!) - where it clearly says the words pregnant or not pregnant.  No fooling around with faint lines for me.  After peeing on my second stick of the day - at work, no less, because I just had to know for sure - there it was.  PREGNANT.  Hallelujah!  Sound the bells!  According to my calculations, I am exactly 4 weeks pregnant and am due on March 19, 2011.  Two days after St. Paddy's Day.  I shall call it my little shamrock.  I go for my first doctor's appointment on July 19 to confirm it's really in there.


Thank the universe that we can stop officially trying and just go back to having sex for the fucking fun of it.  I don't think my vag could have taken much more - having relations 5 days in a row during my fertile period made for red, angry lips.  Again, TMI.  But tough shit.