It wasn't meant to be...

...not that it makes it any easier.  The Shamrock didn't make it.  IB and I are devastated - especially since we'd been trying to nearly a year - but we're getting through it.  After confirming last Wednesday by another ultrasound what I had already been feeling for more than a week, I had to have a D&EC on Thursday.  Not really going to talk much about it, but I hope that I never have to do it again and neither does anyone else I know.  We hoped and willed this pregnancy to be "safe" after we saw that amazing little heartbeat, but unfortunately for us we're one of the about 5% that see a heartbeat and lose the baby anyway.  So far, 2010 has completely sucked but we're hoping it starts to turn around in the 4th quarter so we head into 2011 happy, healthy, and hopefully pregnant again.

Going back to work today was harder than I thought it would be - it made it more real somehow.  To have to get up and go through my regular routine like nothing happened.  Fuck.  I'm sad, and I'm pissed the fuck off.  None of this makes any sense, but I guess that's life.

But...trying to look at the bright side...at least I know I CAN get pregnant.  That's something anyway - 3 months ago I was convinced that there was something wrong with me or IB or me AND IB that would prevent us from ever having a baby of our own.  And that would suck because our babies will be fucking adorable.  Many, many women go through this.  Many more than anyone knows about.  Most of the time it only happens once.  I certainly hope this was my once.  I don't want to do this again.